From our earliest moments of life, the relationships we make shape the way we see ourselves and interact with the world around us. Psychologists call the ways we connect with others around us attachment styles.
Attachment styles are important because they influence our emotional experiences, relationships, and overall well-being. Attachment styles offer insight into the ways we act in relationships and how we deal with their intimacy, trust and emotional security. They shed light on why some of us easily form deep bonds while others struggle with fears of abandonment or emotional distance.
In this blog, we’ll be exploring how our ‘caregivers’, such as parents, guardians or other family members, can impact our attachment style, from the earliest years of our lives.
What Is An Attachment Style?
An attachment style is a pattern of behaviour in and around relationships. It’s the way in which we form and maintain emotional bonds in close relationships. You may have different attachment styles with different people such as friends, family, teachers/co-workers.
Typically, the first attachments we make in our lives are with our caregivers, as these are people we may spend a lot of time with. Attachment Theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that early experiences shape our expectations, beliefs, and behaviours in relationships throughout the rest of our lives.
The four attachment styles are based on your levels of anxiety and avoidance in these relationships. If you feel anxious in a relationship, you may fear that the person will abandon you in some way, or need frequent reassurance or validation from your loved one. If you’re avoidant in a relationship, you may avoid experiencing emotions and struggle to trust others.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment:
People with a secure attachment style tend to feel safe and supported in relationships. They can maintain a healthy balance of relying on their partner, as well as being able to manage their own emotional, mental and physical needs.
We tend to develop a secure attachment style if our caregivers were responsive to our needs and emotions in the first years of our lives. For example: if they always comforted us when we were upset, or if they provided food when we were hungry. For a child to develop a secure attachment, they need to be raised in an environment where they feel protected and supported by their caregivers. By acting this way, the caregiver has helped the child to regulate their emotions during times of stress, and the child will grow up to develop skills to allow them to self-regulate their emotions and behaviours.
Those with a secure attachment style generally have positive beliefs about themselves and others. They feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and they trust that their needs will be met by their partners. They are typically able to form healthy, stable relationships which include trust, effective communication, and emotional support.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. They seek constant reassurance and worry about rejection or abandonment. They may be overly dependent on their partners and experience heightened anxiety in relationships. This attachment style is associated with a fear of abandonment and a tendency to become overly clingy or demanding.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment is usually the result of inconsistent parenting during our early years. Caregivers may not have paid attention to or been supportive of our needs at times.
Anxiously attached people tend to have a deep fear of abandonment, as well as an ‘emotional hunger’ – constantly searching for validation from their partner that they love them and won’t leave them.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to think very positively of themselves, but negatively of others. They tend to be very independent and feel most comfortable on their own. These people may find vulnerability and closeness to others uncomfortable. Sometimes, this can lead to trying to avoid intimate attachment, or relationships in general.
As people with dismissive-avoidant attachment style may feel wary of feeling ‘controlled’ in a relationship, they may try to create distance, or maintain independence by keeping secrets, ignoring their partner’s concerns about the relationship, or ending the relationship altogether.
A dismissive-avoidant attachment is developed during childhood, if our caregivers were present in our lives, but they tended to avoid our emotional needs, and were reserved and ‘backed off’ when we needed support and affection. As the child’s needs are rarely met, they may learn to be independent, to support themself, and are understandably wary of those who should be able to support them.
Disorganised Attachment:
Those with a disorganised attachment tend to think negatively about themself and others. These people may be torn between wanting emotional closeness with others, and a fear of rejection or abandonment. This attachment style is associated with a fear of rejection, and individuals may struggle with emotional irregularity and difficulty forming stable relationships.
This attachment style is formed during childhood, where the caregiver may have behaved chaotically, or even aggressively, causing the child to see them as ‘scary’. Typically, the caregiver didn’t respond appropriately to the child’s needs, for example, if the child was distressed, and the caregiver reacted by yelling to get them to stop crying. In this example, the child’s needs have not been met – they may have been made to feel worse from the caregiver’s response. This creates conflict for the child, as they tend to crave support but are fearful of the response they may receive.
How can I improve my attachment style?
Most of us want to have a secure attachment. It can be frustrating to know that we had little control over our attachment style, and that this was impacted by how our caregivers looked after us. However, it is possible to change your attachment style.
Changing attachment styles can be a complex process that often involves self-reflection, therapy, and personal growth. While it’s possible to completely change our attachment style, we can work towards developing more secure attachment patterns and healthier relationships. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Self-awareness:
Develop an understanding of your own attachment style and how it may impact your relationships. Reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in different relationship situations. Recognize patterns and triggers that contribute to your attachment style.
- Identify and challenge negative beliefs
Examine the negative beliefs you hold about yourself and others. Work on challenging and replacing these negative beliefs with more positive and realistic ones. Use our Challenging your Worries worksheet to start challenging negative beliefs.
- Seek support:
Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and understand your attachment style, process past experiences, and develop healthier ways of relating to others. Consider working with a therapist who specialises in attachment issues or relationships.
- Develop self-compassion and self-care:
Practise self-compassion and self-care to build a strong foundation for emotional well-being. Engage in activities that promote self-nurturing, self-reflection, and self-growth. Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health, and prioritise your own needs. You could use our Practising Positive Self-Esteem worksheet to get started.
- Build secure relationships:
Seek out relationships with people who have secure attachment styles. Being around secure individuals can provide positive role models and influence your own attachment style. Healthy relationships characterised by trust, effective communication, and emotional support can help you develop more secure attachment patterns.
- Practice mindfulness and emotional regulation:
Develop mindfulness skills to become more aware of your emotions and reactions in relationships. Practise emotional regulation techniques to manage anxiety, fears, or intense emotions that may arise. This can help you respond to relationship situations thoughtfully and avoid falling into negative attachment patterns.
Click here for guidance on creating a secure environment.
Understanding attachment styles reminds us that our early experiences and relationships lay the foundation for how we see ourselves and interact with others throughout our lives. By learning about the four main attachment styles and their impact on relationships, we can gain insight into our own patterns of attachment and those of our loved ones.
Remember – while attachment styles may initially seem fixed, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and the willingness to grow, we can nurture healthier attachment patterns and create positive relationships. Therapy, mindfulness, and self-care are powerful tools that can support us with this.
We hope this has given you insight to attachment styles, how you approach relationships, and how to make positive changes when it comes to relationships.
Written by Olivia Dean-Goodchild
For Lyfeproof UK
