When we’re very young, other people teach us how to behave, whether they are parents, teachers, friends or communities. This is natural, as at this age we learn how the world works and how we fit into it. Examples of this may be ‘don’t hit others’, or ‘don’t steal’. They help us be comfortable in the world and make friends.
However, sometimes the things we’re taught are not good for us. For example, if you were praised by your parents for being quiet and punished for being loud, you were taught that quietness equals ‘good’. In your mind, your ability to be quiet is a condition to being loved and having worth, and if you make a noise, that disappears and you become unlovable.
Other examples of this may be ‘boys don’t cry’, or ‘help others before you help yourself’. If these behaviours are rewarded with affection, or we’re punished when we don’t do them, we soon learn that this is how we should be, even if it hurts us.
This behaviour isn’t what we want to do for ourselves- instead they’re based on the expectations of others. Eventually, these expectations may clash with your own view of the world, and this can cause confusion, anxiety or anger, as your self-worth is tied up in behaving certain ways.
Conditions of worth
Carl Rogers, the inventor of person-centered counselling made a theory called ‘Conditions of worth’. In this, he talks about how there are two versions of yourself. The ‘true self’- who you really are and who you were born as: what you like, dislike, how you communicate, and what you need.
The ‘self-concept’- who you become after you’re told how to behave: how your parents wanted you to be, the likes and dislikes of your peers, and what others expect you to need. An example of this might be ‘making noise is bad’.
The more similar they are, the better you feel, as you do things on your own terms and meet your own needs. You live as your own person and your self-worth is determined by you. You still need a few, like ‘don’t hit others’, but you mainly live by your own rules. This is called ‘congruence’.
The further apart they are, the worse you feel, as you are neglecting your true feelings, and your self-worth is determined by others. You will struggle between trying to do what is best for you and pleasing others at the cost of your mental health. This is called ‘incongruence’.
How can we become more congruent?
There isn’t one way to become more congruent and fulfilled in your life- this is something that takes hard work, a lot of self-reflection, and the journey is likely to be very uncomfortable and difficult. However, it does get easier.
A useful technique is to notice when you feel anxious about an action or behaviour that wouldn’t normally make you feel this way. For example, if you feel your heart racing when you make a glass of water, question why this triggers you. Is this action good or bad in your mind, and how do you feel about yourself whilst doing it?
Another technique is to reassign meaning to the action- if filling up a glass of water is making you anxious, have you been in a situation where you haven’t been safe doing so and this was a natural reaction? If you are safe and comfortable, take a moment to acknowledge your feelings but affirm that you are not in danger any more. A glass of water is not good or bad, it just is.
The key is to not dismiss how you’re feeling- your body and mind will react in the way it knows how, and you need to be patient, curious and empathetic with yourself to find out why you feel the way you do. With practice and consistency, you’ll start to notice small changes over time.
Written by Millie Harvey
For Lyfeproof UK
